Suli: Hello, everyone, and welcome to the Green Room! This is a special, extradimensional space where we Kingdom of Darkness characters can look back over our recent adventures together! To help us tell the story today, we have a great group of characters: our elven ranger, Nochte, his wolf, Lupa, our brave paladin, Silhren, and me, Suhaila! Say hi, guys!
Lupa: Woof! (HOLY BISCUITS, I CAN TALK!)
Silhren: What crazy antics did I miss?
Suli: Don’t worry, you’ll catch up. Anyway, we’re here to provide a narrative of what’s happened in the most recent episodes… and provide appropriate color commentary, of course! Fortunately for us, the magic of the Green Room allows us to know everything that’s happened, whether we were there for it or not, so we won’t miss anything. Anyway, enough explanation; let’s get started, shall we? Cue the lights!
After an evening of song and drink, the Arbiters of Absalom returned home to rest. Once her companions were asleep, Suhaila retrieved the pieces of Silhren’s ocarina and called out to their mysterious houseguest, offering to make her a new scarf in return for fixing the ocarina. An agreement was reached, and the ocarina was fixed by sunrise.
Nochte: What’s an ocarina?
Suli: Wh- Really?!
Nochte: TUN. DRA.
Silhren: So… Does that mean you can’t play us the song of your people?
Nochte: I can’t, but…
Lupa: (loud howling)
Nochte: (wipes away a tear) Beautiful, isn’t it? It’s very poetic.
Suli: …Welp, that just happened. Anyhow…
Upon waking, Hroth discovered the repaired ocarina on the table; Suli claimed to have no knowledge of how it got there. In shock, he ran upstairs to where Silhren slept, thrust the ocarina to his lips, and ordered him to play it. Although thoroughly confused, Silhren complied, happy to have his instrument again.
After calming down, Hroth decided to make breakfast for everyone. Unwilling to expose her inability to eat, Suhaila ate breakfast anyway to avoid suspicion.
Suli: BAD IDEA.
Nochte: Your lies led to a woman slapping me. I will have my vengeance.
Lupa: Yip! (OOOOOOOOO, GIRL, YOU IN TROUBLE!)
Suli: Oh, HELL no. Did you see anything that happened after that? Any of it?! ‘CUZ I THINK THAT WAS PRETTY EFFECTIVE VENGEANCE.
After breakfast, Hroth, Nochte, and Suli decided to go shopping in the Coins district. On the way there, Suhaila’s breakfast caught up with her; she didn’t want her companions to worry, so she told them she was having “female problems.” Unfortunately, neither Hroth nor Nochte knew what that meant; they assumed she was ill and decided to take her to the nearest temple to be healed. Unfortunately for Suhaila, the nearest temple was a temple to Calistria, goddess of lust and revenge…
Suli: (glares at Nochte)
Nochte: It’s your own fault for lying to us.
Silhren: You really did bring it on yourself…
Suli: THERE IS NO WAY I COULD HAVE ANTICIPATED THESE REPERCUSSIONS. NO WAY.
Lupa: Woof. (You all yell too much. And yes, she did bring it upon herself.)
Suli: (sigh) Let’s just get this part over with.
Confusion and humiliation reigned in the Calistrian temple; not understanding the situation, a priestess of Calistria brought out several male prostitutes for a horrified Suli to choose from. It took some time, but eventually the confusion was straightened out; after leaving, the trio quickly made their purchases in the Coins district and headed to Meg’s for lunch.
Meanwhile, Silhren decided to head to Skyreach and do some research on the enemy that had defeated them so handily the morning before. He spent the whole morning researching, and his efforts proved fruitful. In the archives, there was information about a paladin named Tazula; she had been a Mendevian crusader lost in the Worldwound. The Pathfinder Society sent out a rescue team, but she was never recovered. His suspicions about the antipaladin confirmed, Silhren went to Meg’s to meet his companions and share the new information.
Suli: That chick is going to smash our heads into the ground. I’m not a fan.
Silhren: Well, she might smash my face in and use you for decoration.
Suli: Somehow, I’m not comforted by that…
Altaire and Lilli had little luck with their morning crime patrol, but they did manage to wander into the district of the Starstone Cathedral; true to form, Altaire found a tavern and decided to investigate. As it turned out, the bar was the primary temple to the god Cayden Cailean; Altaire and Lilli were welcomed with open arms, and the Caydenites were happy to explain the simple tenets of their religion. Altaire was enchanted by the god and his temple, and he decided then and there to worship Cayden Cailean alongside Shelyn. In order to entertain the crowd, he told them a number of exciting (if exaggerated) stories from his past; the crowd loved it and encouraged him to tell tales until his voice was sore. After a while, Altaire and Lilli departed, promising to return again soon; they, too, headed to Meg’s.
Suli: Y’know, I’m not sure I want to know what he told them about us… not after that whole “conduit of divine death” speech from last time…
Nochte: For a little man, he has a large opinion of himself…
Suli: I’m more worried about the large opinion he has of us; I’m not sure I can live up to whatever crazy stuff he’s saying this time.
Silhren: Look on the bright side; it can’t get much more far-fetched, right?
Sym decided to strike out on his own for the morning in hopes of finding a catfolk community in the city; after asking around, he learned that one existed in the West End. He headed in that direction and was successful in finding the community. Enjoying interacting with his own kind, Sym purchased some food and took to the rooftops, where he was discovered by an attractive female catfolk. She introduced herself as Lana and invited Sym to a meal with the others, which he happily accepted. At the dinner, he entertained the group with a magic display, which was received warmly. One little catfolk boy in particular seemed infatuated with Sym’s magical abilities. After the meal, Sym thanked the group and left for Meg’s in search of his allies.
Suli: That little catfolk kid was adorable! I hope we see more of him.
Silhren: It’s so fluffy, I’m gonna die!
Around noon, Nochte and an exasperated Suli wound up at Meg’s; Suli explained her morning’s predicaments to Meghan, only to be laughed at by her friend. After lunch, Nochte learned about alcohol; Meghan brought him a glass of wine, which he enjoyed, but then he asked for the strongest drink on the menu. Grinning mischievously, Meghan returned with a mug full of “Torag’s Favorite Joke,” a beverage so powerful that the dwarven regulars were amazed a non-dwarf had ordered it. They watched in anticipation, waiting to see Nochte’s reaction.
Suli: So… was that like an ale, or what?
Nochte: It was like nightmares, is what it was.
As expected, the drink was ridiculously potent, and Nochte became almost instantly drunk; however, he did manage to conjure the balance and presence of mind to walk over and bow to the dwarves before asking Suhaila to help him leave.
Nochte: I needed to go home.
Suli: I DID try to warn you, y’know.
Nochte: No warning would have been sufficient. That drink should be labeled in bright red, “NEVER CONSUME.”
Suli took him outside and used magic to remove the worst of his drunkenness; afterward, the two returned to the bar, only to be stopped outside by Meghan. In their absence, Sczarni thugs had come to the bar; they were looking for the girl who had refused their boss and the woman who had knocked him unconscious. With Nochte still suffering from the drink’s effects, the three of them weren’t sure what to do; fortunately, Silhren, Altaire, Lilli, and Sym arrived on the scene in time to help. After preparing for a potential fight, the group confronted the thugs; between righteous anger and clear strength of arms, the Arbiters were able to intimidate the Sczarni into leaving the tavern without a fight. After they left, Suhaila had no choice but to explain the situation, so the group could be prepared for potential repercussions.
Nochte: I’m glad it didn’t come to blows; I’m not sure my aim would have been steady.
Suli: Yeah… It would have been Grom levels of inaccuracy.
Nochte: What’s a Grom? I feel like you’re just making things up now.
Suli: (exasperated sigh) Grom is a blind halfling who throws explosives. And before you ask, explosives are things that blow up and make fire.
Nochte: (feigning knowledge) I know what explosives are.
Suli: Of course you do. (pats Nochte on the back)
Silhren: Oh, so they do have bombs in the tundra?
Nochte: (hateful glower)
After all the excitement, Nochte decided it would be best for him to head home and rest, so he and Sym left for the house. Everyone else decided to go to Skyreach; on their way in, the heroes ran into Khrane and Jaistelle, arguing once again about something or another. Upon request, Khrane bodily picked up Altaire and threw him across town and into the Docks District. Altaire and Lilli went back on crime watch for the remainder of the afternoon.
In order to establish new contacts for the tribes of the Kortos Mounts, Suhaila and Silhren sought out Marcos Farabellus and explained the situation, asking him to take a trip into the Mounts with them to meet the harpy chieftainess. Farabellus agreed, and the three of them headed there. The harpy chieftainess came to see them; Suhaila made introductions, and with some careful diplomacy, both sides were able to see the benefit of working together. Happy with their progress, Suhaila and Silhren decided to call it a day and headed home.
Suli: I’m so glad they’ve gotten off on the right foot; it’s only a matter of time before the tribes have a new lease on life and we have a united front against the cult! (high-fives Silhren)
Silhren: Sometimes love can be the most powerful thing of all!
Nochte: I saw a number of fellows at the bar react to events with the same gusto that you portray… are you… drunk?
Suli: Drunk on the happiness that comes with spreading togetherness and redemption! (sparkly eyes)
Nochte: There is nothing about this entire situation that does not sicken me to the point of agonizing death.
After a long day, Altaire and Sym both decided to head over to Meg’s for dinner and a drink. Khrane and Jaistelle were already there, serving as bodyguards for Meghan. Looking around, Sym found Garren in the back of the tavern having a glass of red wine. They talked; Garren asked Sym to not let it get around that he had been here, drinking. As they spoke, Treval interrupted them and challenged Garren to a rematch. Garren acquiesced; the two fought on the performance stage, and although Treval got the first hit, he was handily defeated shortly after. An exasperated Jaistelle healed his wounds; Treval thanked her and fled. Shortly afterward, both Altaire and Sym decided to head home; Sym walked, but Altaire elected to be thrown home by Khrane, who was all too happy to comply. Unfortunately, Altaire came down in front of the house just as Suhaila was entering it; he landed on the poor girl, knocking her to the ground. He apologized and stumbled drunkenly inside to bed, leaving Suhaila alone downstairs.
Suli: (worried) I swear, it’s like Treval is TRYING to get himself killed…
Nochte: That Treval boy… Oh! Yes. The one you stared at like a wolf in heat.
Lupa: Bark! (Damn girl, get it.)
Suli: (blushing, emanating waves of rage) …You are not my favorite person right now.
Nochte: Well I’m not a person. I am a Snowcaster Elf. So that does not make sense.
Suli: (fuse blown) PERSON INDICATES A SENTIENT BEING, YOU INSUFFERABLE ASSBAG!
Nochte: Firstly, I have no idea what an assbag is. Secondly, while I know little of your southern… “culture”… I’m sure a young lady cursing is considered most unladylike.
Suli: (circuit break) A MAN WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHAT MENSTRUATION IS DOES NOT GET TO DECIDE WHAT IS AND IS NOT LADYLIKE! YOU DIDN’T EVEN HAVE LADIES IN THE FUCKING TUNDRA!
Nochte: No we did not. However, we did have good manners. (small smile)
Suli: (complete power grid meltdown) THEN YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE LEFT THEM IN THE GODSDAMNED TUNDRA! MOVING ON. GODS!
Silhren: Given your knowledge of women, it sounds like you spent a lot of time doing the one-handed dance around the ballroom, Nochte.
Nochte: (rolls eyes) Damn southerners…
A few minutes later, Hroth returned home as well, having spent the majority of his day training at the archery range. He found Suli and expressed his concerns that the house was causing her illness and other problems. Out of options, Suli confessed about her new divine abilities to Hroth; she admitted that she had been choosing to not eat and sleep so she could protect the others while they rested. Hroth did his best to convince her that keeping watch was everyone’s responsibility and that she should feel safe in her own home. Just as Suhaila was about to agree with him, the door was thrown open, and an invisible cultist began attacking them. Hroth held the cultist at bay while Suhaila alerted the rest of the house; everyone woke quickly and joined the fight. With the help of a bag of flour and a carefully aimed Dispel Magic, the heroes were able to pinpoint the cultist; after taking a substantial amount of damage, he tried to flee, only to be shot down on his way out by an enraged Hroth.
Suli: Oh, jeez, I can’t watch this next part… (covers her eyes)
After stabilizing and tying up the cultist, the heroes decided to remove his mask; to their horror, they found that the man had no facial features. The cultist awoke, and Nochte effectively intimidated him into telling them what they wanted to know. The Arbiters asked the cultist who sent him; he responded, “The person behind you.” The group whirled around; nothing was there, but the overpoweringly evil presence was palpable, even without Silhren detecting evil. Frozen in horror, the heroes could do nothing but watch as the cultist was torn into bloody chunks by the invisible being.
Suli: (still hiding) Is it over yet?
Nochte: (glances over) Yes… He is now just liquefied intestines and bad life choices.
Silhren: Coming into my house uninvited is always a bad life choice.
After taking a moment to collect themselves (and settle their stomachs), the Arbiters did what they could to clean up the mess. Out of a sense of duty, Nochte blessed the remains of the cultist; unbeknownst to him, this action deprived the cultist of his rest with the Open Armed. They returned to bed, but sleep was long in coming.
Nochte: (wide smile) All has gone according to plan…
Suli: Pffft, you didn’t plan that; in canon, you don’t even know that it happened!
Nochte: (shrugs) Still one more soul than YOU’VE deprived the all powerful shredder of bodies and slayer of hopes.
Suli: I prefer to deprive it of souls by… oh, I dunno… KEEPING PEOPLE ALIVE IN THE FIRST PLACE.
Nochte: Those words you just used don’t make sense in the order you used them.
Suli: (resigned sigh)
The next day, the heroes went to Skyreach and found Kot looking at a map, trying to remember more of his past. After introducing everyone, Suhaila tried to break Kot’s curse again with mythic power; although it did not break the curse, it did enough damage to it to allow some memories through. Kot suddenly became lucid and remembered where he needed to go to regain his memories. The Arbiters convinced him to wait for them, so they could accompany him. Kot gave the heroes two hours to prepare for departure.
The Arbiters made some last-minute purchases and arrangements and regrouped at the docks. Just as they were leaving, Kot was accosted by a familiar, overly-energetic kitsune; after chewing Kot out for trying to leave without her, she invited herself along, introducing herself as Saya.
Suli: I don’t think I’ve ever heard a person talk as fast at that fox-lady does… It’s impressive, really.
The group sailed for a few days, passing the time by exercising, crafting, and gambling with the sailors. After the journey, they arrived at a small, dark island with a tower known as the Keep of Zalor. Just before reaching the island, the ship was attacked by a giant, fiendish squid. The monster did its best to grab and crush the heroes, but with a combination of arrows and divine magic, the Arbiters were able to deflect and defeat the beast.
Suli: I have never expended as much holy power that quickly IN MY LIFE. I thought I was gonna DIE.
Nochte: (shifts uncomfortably, mumbling) thanksforsavinglupaireallyoweyouonetellnooneoriendyou.
Suli: (blinks) …Anytime? (tentative thumbs up)
Nochte: (shifts uncomfortably) Damn Southerners…
Upon disembarking, the group realized that this island overlapped with the Shadow Plane. Taking precautions, they explored the island until they found the gates of the keep, where they were attacked by fetchling sentries from the shadows. Quickly dispatching the menace, the Arbiters infiltrated the keep and began to explore. After some searching, they came across a strange hallway with magical traps; they took the time to test the room before entering and quickly ran through. Kot was a hair too slow and got caught, but the Arbiters freed him in time.
Moving to the stairwell, the group found it to be impassable; tendrils of solid shadow blocked them from entry. Hoping to find a way around the issue, the heroes entered another hallway, where they could hear the sounds of lustful activity coming from one of the rooms; upon investigation, they discovered an incubus and a kyton engaging in S&M-style foreplay. In the room with them was a treasure chest that appeared to contain an item that could unblock the stairs. After a moment’s deliberation, the heroes charged the evil outsiders and defeated them in the most efficient and awkward way possible. They opened the chest, which contained a wand of Daylight. The Arbiters used the wand in the stairwell room, and the shadows disappeared, granting them access to the next level…
Nochte: Ok. NO ONE knew what THAT was. That wasn’t a tundra thing, that was a “Sweet baby Pharasma, what did I just see” kind of thing.
Lupa: (whimper) (That did not look fun AT ALL.)
Suli: I’m gonna agree with you on this one… (mumbling) Why did it have to stare at me like that? Ugh…
Lupa: Bark bark! (She wanted some of that sweet, sweet caster lovin’!)
Suli: …I have no idea what your wolf just said, but I feel like I should be offended.
Nochte: (pats Lupa) She’s just a wolf; she doesn’t have thoughts like you and I.
Lupa: Bark! (I’ma cut you.)
Silhren: …Well, THAT escalated quickly.
Suli: Well, that just about wraps it up for this episode! Thanks for tuning in; I hope you had as much fun as we did! Big applause for today’s guests: Nochte, Lupa, and Silhren! Thanks for coming out!
Nochte: Am… am I on… television?
Suli: …What the hell is television?
Nochte: Oh, so now who doesn’t know what is going on?! It’s a tundra thing… you wouldn’t understand.
Lupa: Woof woof woof! (pant) (Animal Planet… That is all.)
Silhren: I’m pretty partial to The Real Housewives of Golarion, myself.
Nochte: What’s a housewife? THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN I DON’T GET MY TURKEY SANDWICH! ALSO, WHAT IS A SANDWICH?
Suli: …Aaaand there go the last, smoking remnants of the fourth wall. Guess that’s it for tonight… See you all next time! Suhaila Liliya, signing off!